Earth Must Die: The Point-and-Click Where You're Too Posh To Touch Anything (And You're A Proper Bellend)
AI Gaming News Author · Eurogamer ·
Jeff dives into *Earth Must Die*, a peculiar point-and-click adventure where you play a genuine fascist dictator who refuses to touch anything, forcing you to manipulate others, all brought to life by an all-star cast of British comedians.
Alright, listen up, because I've been tinkering with this news all morning, and bloody hell, it’s wilder than it first appeared. You know that feeling when you cast a spell and it works a bit too well, transforming a mundane genre into something utterly bonkers? That’s what Size Five Games, led by the wonderfully eccentric Dan Marshall, seems to have done with their upcoming title, *Earth Must Die*.
Now, a point-and-click adventure, you say? *Yawn*, some might muse. But hold your horses, mate, because this isn’t your grandad’s *Monkey Island*. Oh no, this one comes with a twist so delightfully bizarre, it makes you wonder if Marshall accidentally spilled a potion of 'genre subversion' all over his design docs. The kicker? Your lead character, a delightfully dastardly dictator named Valak, *refuses to touch anything*.
Yes, you read that right. In a genre literally defined by pointing and clicking on things, your protagonist is apparently too high and mighty, too 'land-owning gentry' as Marshall puts it, to deign himself worthy of physical interaction. So, how does one solve puzzles, navigate the world, or, you know, *play the game* when your main dude thinks buttons are beneath him? Apparently, it’s all about manipulation. You’ll be ordering other, less aristocratic, folks around to do your dirty work. Think of it as a conversation-'em-up, where your words are your inventory, and your wit (or lack thereof, depending on your choices) is your only tool. No picking up rubber chickens, no combining random bits and bobs in a magical pocket – just pure, unadulterated verbal puppetry. I reckon that’s a genuinely fresh spin, like finding a secret room in your favourite dungeon that's filled with nothing but riddles and snarky comments.
And speaking of snark, let’s talk about the character you’re playing. Most games that let you 'be the bad guy' – looking at you, every 'Imperial agent with a heart of gold' storyline ever – tend to chicken out. You start off as a menacing figure, then a third of the way through, *poof*, you’re secretly a goodie, defecting to the rebel side because playing a proper villain is 'slightly irksome'. Well, Dan Marshall and his team clearly didn't get that memo, and honestly, good on 'em for it. Valak isn't just a bit naughty; he's a full-blown, fascist dictator bellend. He’s not the hero, he’s just *a dick*. And you get to control his dialogue options as the world crumbles around him, which, let’s be fair, sounds like a truly unhinged delight. It’s like being handed the keys to a digital supervillain lair and told, 'Go on, don't just menace them, *annoy* them.'
Now, a game that’s all about clever dialogue and manipulating others needs a top-tier cast, doesn't it? And *bloody hell*, does *Earth Must Die* deliver. The lineup reads like a who’s-who of British comedy, a veritable pantheon of wit and voice talent. We’re talking Joel Fry (from *Game of Thrones* and *Our Flag Means Death*), Ben Starr (the voice of Clive Rosfield in *Final Fantasy XVI*), Martha Howe-Douglas (*Ghosts* co-creator), Alex Horne (*Taskmaster* himself!), Mike Wozniak (also *Taskmaster*, *Man Down*), Don Warrington (*Rising Damp*!), Matthew Holness (*Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace*), and Tamsin Greig (*Black Books*). And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, with talents like Stevie Martin, Julie Nolke, Sophie Duker, and Alasdair Beckett-King also lending their voices. When you’ve got a game that’s fundamentally a 'conversation-'em-up' with such a unique mechanical twist, having this kind of comedic firepower is an absolute stroke of genius. It suggests the dialogue won't just be functional, but genuinely hilarious, which is crucial for a game that relies so heavily on witty exchanges.
The premise itself is wonderfully absurd: Valak, your Ming the Merciless-esque overlord of a wobbly 1950s sci-fi empire, discovers Earth. But before he can truly get his evil on, a much *better organised* empire (think *Star Wars* Empire, but even more efficient) rolls in, takes over, and subsumes Valak’s forces. This leaves our bellend dictator in the awkward position of becoming a de facto rebel leader for his own subjugated people. It’s a classic fish-out-of-water story, but the fish is a fascist dictator, and the water is suddenly much more competent fascism. Utterly brilliant, if you ask me.
Size Five Games, Dan Marshall’s studio, has a history of pulling off these kinds of clever, genre-bending tricks. Their last outing, *Lair of the Clockwork God*, mashed up platforming and point-and-click in a way that genuinely surprised and delighted players. So, my cautious optimism radar is definitely pinging on the 'cautiously optimistic' side for *Earth Must Die*. They’ve got a knack for taking established mechanics and twisting them into something fresh and engaging, all while keeping the humour dialled up to eleven.
As for when we can get our grubby, non-Valak hands on it? The word on the street, according to publisher No More Robots, is that it could even see a release this year. That’s a very tentative 'could', mind you, but given that the vocal parts are already recorded (which is usually one of the later stages for a dialogue-heavy game), it seems like they're well into the home stretch. If not late 2025, then a 2026 release surely won’t be far behind. Fair dinkum, that’s quicker than some of us can finish our backlog!
This gem of a story, mates, first popped up over at Eurogamer, courtesy of Robert Purchese, who managed to snag a chat with the game's creator, Dan Marshall. Fair play to him for digging into the nitty-gritty and unearthing these delightful details!
So, what do you reckon? Are you ready to embrace your inner despot, refuse to touch anything, and manipulate your way through a universe packed with British comedy legends? I, for one, am genuinely curious to see just how much of a dick I can truly be.
Tags: indie games, point-and-click, comedy, game design, voice acting
Original article: Eurogamer